Ways of Dealing with Death

Dealing with death is something we all have to face at some point in our lives. Certainly we are confronted with our own mortality throughout our lives. Maybe we have a serious car accident, an illness, or someone close to us dies. Each event challenges us to delve deeply into what we believe and how we are going to respond when it’s our turn.

Our responses to dealing with death are all unique depending on who we are, our relationship with the people around us, our relationship with a person who has just died…. How we are dealing with death depends on our level of fear and the unfinished business we have in our lives.

In many ways the unfinished business is easier to deal with than the fear, and cleaning up the unfinished business can serve to alleviate much of the fear.

So what do I mean by unfinished business?  Unfinished business can be lots of things…never telling someone how you really feel about them, holding on to anger or resentment or jealousy, people you want to forgive but you haven’t quite done it, holding love close without sharing it, not paying off debts, not writing a will, not talking about your living will, etc.  All these and many more are examples of unfinished businesss.

And all that’s unfinished, makes dealing with death that much more difficult. How can any of us move on if we’re carrying around that kind of load?

So my question to you is…What business do you need to clean up? What are you waiting for?

Dealing with Death

Dealing with death is one of the most difficult challenges we face as human beings.
Whether it’s a diagnosis of a life threatening illness or the loss we experience when someone we love dies, death can challenge our most treasured illusions…it can’t happen to us and we will never have to face the loss of someone close to us.

Through my own personal experience and my work with hospice, I have found that dealing with death can also be a profound opportunity for personal growth and healing.

When my mother was dying from cancer, I realized I would only have this one chance to experience that particular death, and I consciously made a choice to stay as open as possible to the entire process.

That’s not to say there weren’t times during that year when I pulled away. Times I just couldn’t bear it. In those days I wasn’t very good at saying “I can’t bear it” so I’d usually get sick which allowed me to stay away for a few days. Not that I did that consciously but it served its purpose.

I remember buying all of the books written by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, but I never got around to them until years later. The book that captured my interest and imagination was Who Dies? by Stephen Levine. This book changed my whole view of what was happening. Rather than dealing with death, Who Dies? deals with life, and death as nothing more than a profound, meaningful, and sacred transition from one life experience to another.

With that perspective I was able to heal my relationship with my mother which had suffered some during my transition into adulthood…a hard passage for both of us. I have to say that by dealing with her death, by facing it as openly as I was capable of doing, there was no unfinished business between us by the time she died.

From that one experience, my whole life changed. I went back to school. I worked for hospice. I became a psychotherapist and coach. I opened up spiritually in ways I never could have imagined before her death.

Yes, I grieved her loss. Yes, it was painful. Dealing with her death was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, and the most transformative. It made me a better person. It changed my life in so many subtle and positive ways. Staying open to dealing with death made all the difference.

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If you are grieving or know someone who is, you might be interested in How to Survive Your Grief When Someone You Love Has Died. The book is a compassionate and no nonsense look at 50 of the most common reactions to grief…what they are, what to do about them, and when to get help.